From the Heart

From the Heart

Kitty

My life as of late has been a jumble of feelings. Wanting things that look impossible to obtain, but wanting them just the same. I am sure every woman at one time or the other wants a home and family and I have come to that point in my life. For years, everything seemed just perfect; I had my own business, money, travel, and a man who loved me very much. What more could a girl want. But with the happenings of the past year, Mannon, Bonner, and of course Mike, my feelings have changed.

Matt is another story. I think he could go on with things the way they are. Of course, he has everything he wants. The badge, Dodge City, a nice warm bed and body whenever he is around. His life, I’m sure to him, is just about perfect. I really wouldn’t know because we never talk about it. To him, we don’t need explanations or discussions. Well, maybe he doesn’t, but I do.

It seemed lately that Matt was away so much more because of the badge that there wasn’t much time for anything. This last time that he was out of town because of the badge, I didn’t think he was coming back. He was gone for over a month. When he did come home, things were different. He was very distant, but when he finally opened up, I almost wished he hadn’t. What he had to say devastated me. He had done the one thing I thought he never would. He slept with another woman. Oh, after a time of thinking and listening to what he and Doc had to say about amnesia, I forgave him, even though I am not sure there was anything to forgive. After all, according to Doc and Matt, it was Dan that slept with Mike, not Matt. Of course, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Thoughts of Matt (Dan) and Mike were in the recesses of my mind coming forth every now and again just to bedevil me.

Finally though, we moved past all those things and we made plans to get away for a couple of weeks. Just us, alone together. Matt had just finished a trial and we actually were going to be able to leave a couple of days early.

I should have known things were going along too well. When we got to the first relay station, there was that dreaded telegram and off the marshal went. That badge came first again. I watched him drive away, a mixture of anger and hurt fighting within. I got on the stage and headed to St. Louis alone. I should have known that trouble would show its wicked face. How often had I taken a stage alone when it didn’t?

The stage was held up, but thanks to a fellow passenger, I was saved from more of what the likes of Bonner and his men gave me. Will Stambridge was the name of my rescuer. He was shot in the holdup, so I did the best I could taking care of him until we were picked up and taken to the relay station. By the time we got back to Dodge, a friendship had formed. I was grateful to him for saving my life although he said I didn’t owe him anything. I guess in all of the happenings, feelings began to form. Oh, I don’t mean the kind of love I have for Matt Dillon, but feelings just the same. He squired me around town, giving me all the public attention, Matt never did. I think all of the attention he showered on me made my feelings for him grow. I mean here was a man giving me all the things that I had been wanting. He even bought a farm and asked me to be his wife offering me that home and family I had been craving. He kept pushing for more. I knew he loved me and wanted to have an intimate relationship with me, but I just couldn’t. I still loved Matt. So I kept telling Will that I needed more time and that I wasn’t ready yet for anything more personal. So our relationship never went beyond buggy rides, dinners, and kisses.

I loved Matt more than any woman ever loved a man. And up to this point, that had been enough. But after the events of the past year, I wanted more. Or at least, I thought I did.

So with the knowledge that Will wanted me for his wife, I went to Matt for answers.

As I entered the jail, Matt was sitting at his desk working. I asked him if he had time to talk. I talked about the past 18 years and the someday that I had hoped would come. Then I asked Matt to tell me to say “No” to Will Stambridge. I should have known that he wouldn’t or couldn’t. All he could say was “You know how I feel, but you’re going to have to make that decision on your own.” I was so dumbfounded that all I could say was “I know, Matt, I know” and I turned and walked out the door.

I guess what confused me about the whole thing was what Matt had said to me the night Bonner brought me back to Dodge. He said, “I need you, Kitty, I need you.” Yet, here he was willing to let me go with Will without a fight. I just didn’t understand.

So I had a decision to make, probably the hardest decision of my life. Do I follow my heart and stay in Dodge with Matt for that far off someday, or do I go with Will for the home and family that my head tells me I want.

After I walked out the door, I stood there leaning up against it.. In that moment, I knew there was only one thing I could possibly do. I had to try one more time, so I turned, opened the door, looked at Matt and said, “I love you, Matt Dillon, remember that.” And again turned and walked out the door. I went across the street, into the Long Branch, and up to my room. The rest would be up to Matt. I hoped with all my heart that he would choose us and beg me not to leave. I guess I knew even then as I prepared for bed that I wouldn’t go with Will whether Matt begged me to stay or not. He was nice and I liked him, but I didn’t love him. The temptation to have a home and family was great, but my love for Matt Dillon was greater.

Matt

When Kitty showed up on the stage with Will Stambridge, I didn’t know what to think. She had apparently survived a stage hold up and Will had rescued her. She was still upset with me. I could tell from the way she acted at Doc’s and her abruptness when I walked her back to the Long Branch. I tried to tell her about Will, but she already knew and said she didn’t care what people thought.

I have watched her for days being escorted around by Mr. Stambridge. It hurts so much, yet I know I am to blame. If I had just gotten on that stage to St. Louis, none of this would be happening. Once again, I let this badge come between us. Why can’t I let it go and give Kitty what she wants from me? Is the badge so important, that I would risk the love of my life slipping away?

Kitty came to me at the jail, asking me to tell her to say “no” to Will Stambridge. Instead of telling her to say “no,” I told her it was her choice to make. I could tell in her eyes she was begging me to tell her that I loved her and wanted her to stay. Why didn’t I?  Surely, I am not that selfish and scared of giving up this badge and making a commitment to the woman I love. The night Bonner brought her back to town and shot her, I told her I needed her. I laid my feelings out there, yet here I am about to let her walk away and into the arms of another man.

As I sat there, I went over and over what Kitty had just said to me. “I love you, Matt Dillon, remember that.” I was given a chance to redeem all of the times I had put others before her. I asked myself, “Do I take the risk, or let her walk away. In the next instant, I knew. I stood up, grabbed my hat and walked out the door.

Kitty

I sat in my room looking at nothing in particular wondering if I had pushed things to far with Matt. I knew he was a man who liked to do things his way. Oh, I had heard that phrase enough to know. I also knew that for us it was now or never. I didn’t want to think about the never. I just couldn’t picture myself without Matt Dillon in my life.

Well, sitting here woolgathering wouldn’t help anything, so I had best start getting ready for bed. I knew that Sam was capable of closing the Long Branch and I really wasn’t in any mood to be among people anyway.

I had just finished getting ready for bed and was brushing out my hair when I heard someone approaching my door. I figured that it was Sam come to tell me he had closed up and was heading home. But when I heard the knock, I knew who was at my door and I was nervous.

Matt

The walk from the jail to the Long Branch was the longest walk I had ever taken. Not because I was dreading it, but because I was anxious to make things right. As I walked, I thought about what I would say to Kitty. I knew that it had to be more than “I need you” or even “I love you.”  It had to be something amazing for an exceptional lady. I did know that that far off someday she had been waiting for was finally going to come. If she would have me, Kitty was going to become Mrs. Mathew Dillon. Something, I should have done a long time ago. I walked to the batwing doors and looked before entering. Kitty was nowhere in sight. Sam was in the process of closing. As I entered, Sam looked at me and nodded up the stairs, his way of telling me where I could find Kitty. I headed up the stairs going through the curtains, and down the hall. As I reached her door, I hesitated for only a moment and then I knocked.

kkkkkk

As Kitty walked to answer the door, she wondered how the conversation would go. Would it end the way she hoped it would or would she be devastated.

“Oh, well, I guess I shouldn’t borrow trouble,” thought Kitty. And she opened the door.

“Hello, Matt.”

“Kitty.”

She moved back away from the door so Matt could come inside. As he entered the room, Kitty walked over to the bureau.

“Would you like a drink, Matt?” He nodded yes.

She poured two glasses of bourbon, handing one to Matt, and then sat down on the settee.

The air was filled with uneasiness as Matt sat in a large chair near the settee. One Kitty had purchased just for him. As they sipped on their drinks, both wondering which one would be the first to start the conversation.

“Matt, I.”

“Kitty, please.”

Each one speaking at the same time.

Kitty held up her hand, indicating she wanted to speak first.

“Matt, I know I was wrong to blow up at you the way I did at the relay station, but once again you put that badge before me and I couldn’t stand it anymore. This trip was going to be wonderful. We had managed to put so much behind us and then that damn telegram came and you didn’t even consider my feelings or me. It’s the job, you said and left.”

Kitty sat quietly thinking of what she had just said wondering if she said too much. Matt was sitting there so still, she wondered if he was even listening. She decided to continue.

“Matt, I am so tired of being just a marshal’s woman, hiding behind the ruse of a friendship, knowing everyone knows the truth anyway.”

Again, Kitty sat and contemplated what to say next as Matt sat silently.

“I didn’t mean for anything to come of my friendship with Will. He saved my life and I took care of his shoulder. That was all there was, but after we got back to Dodge, I realized he was already looking at me with more than friendship in mind. It started out as one dinner that led to buggy rides and long talks. Then the next thing I knew he was offering me everything that you never would, a home and family.”

“I’m not going to say it’s not tempting, but Matt, I don’t want a home and a family with Will, I want it with you. I guess if that’s not possible, then I need to move on. Go someplace away from Dodge and try to start over. I am not talking about a relationship with another man. I don’t want that, because in my heart there will only be you. But I can’t stay here and be just your woman anymore.”

“I also want you to know that nothing happened between Will and me. I couldn’t do that to you or to myself. As a matter of fact, I haven’t been with another man willingly since I saw you that first morning at Delmonicos.”

“Some might think I have the right after what happened between you and Mike, but I told you that I accepted that it was Dan and not you in that situation. I forgave you for that.”

“I want you to always remember that I love you, Matt Dillon, no matter what decisions are made here today.”

After Kitty finished speaking, she sat there in silence knowing how hard it was for Matt to put into words what he wanted to say. This was something she didn’t want to rush because what was said here today would change their lives forever.

mmmmm

As Matt sat there listening to all that Kitty had to say, he wondered, how could I have put her through all I have. I have been selfish in my love for her. She deserved so much more. How can I make it up to her?

It was so quiet in the room. Matt knew it was now up to him and he knew what he had to say was very important. Words didn’t come easy for him, but when he did speak he wanted it to be just right. Kitty had just poured her heart out to him. He wants to do the same for her.

“Kitty, I’m sorry.”

As he spoke, the tears began to roll down his cheeks. Never before had she seen him cry.

“I have loved you from the moment I saw you that morning in Delmonicos. I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. Yet, it scared me to death. I hadn’t been the marshal all that long and already the badge had a hold on me. I told myself, I had no place for a woman in my life. Especially with the dangers that go along with being a marshal. I fought the feelings for quite sometime as you are well aware, but eventually I gave in. I told myself that if you agreed to be my girl and understood how it had to be between us then it might work. And for the most part, it did work. Except I am just now realizing what I have asked of you all of these years and how selfish I have been.”

As tears ran down his cheeks, Matt noticed that Kitty was crying too and wondered how he would make it right.

“Kitty, I am sorry for being such a selfish fool. Over the years, I have put my feelings and job ahead of you. I guess I’ve felt that just because our relationship was good for me the way it was, that you were okay with it too. You never complained and of course I always said we needed no explanations. How wrong I was about that. If we had been more open with each other, things would have never reached the point they have, and I know it is all my fault.”

Kitty looked up at Matt astonished at what he had just said.

“I realize that my self-centeredness has caused you so much grief and disappointment. I had to have things my way and I know now that was all wrong. If it hadn’t been for my foolish behavior there never would have been an Ad Bellam, Ballard, or Will Stambridge.”

“After Mannon, I should have known keeping our relationship a secret hadn’t kept you safe. But, I continued with the ruse and along comes Bonner making things even worse. I am so sorry for that and everything else that has happened to you. I know it was because of me that all of it happened.”

Matt paused to control his emotions before going on.

“I am so sorry, Kitty, for everything. I should never have left you at that relay station. I have made so many mistakes in the past eighteen years and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I am asking for it.”

Matt rose from the chair and walked away from Kitty trying to get his mind clear for what he wanted to say next. He turned walking back over to Kitty. H kneeled down in front of her and looked into her beautiful blue tear filled eyes. Taking her small hand into his large one, he started to speak.

“Kitty Russell, I love you more than life itself. Without you in my heart, it would have stopped beating years ago.”

Matt paused trying too control his emotions.

“It was your being and strength that has kept me going.”

“Kitty, I don’t want to live in secret anymore. I want to walk proudly down the boardwalk with you by my side for the entire world to see, but I don’t want you there as the marshal’s woman. I would like you there as my wife.”

He paused for just a second.

“Kitty Russell, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife.”

Kitty looked at Matt with such love in her eyes.  At that moment, Matt pulled them both up and brought Kitty into his arms, kissing her with such passion and love. As the kiss ended, Kitty looked into Matt’s eyes and said.

“I love you, Matt Dillon, and I forgive you. And yes, I would love to become your wife.”

Again, Matt took Kitty into his arms and kissed her parted lips. As the kiss deepened, the two realized that their love knew no bounds.

Matt picked her up and carried her to the bed that they had shared for over eighteen years and would share for the rest of their lives.

The end.